Horoscopes for Losers

I was asked to write something funny for an esoteric publication, which then changed its mind and decided that it wasn’t funny any more.  I think it’s better for being more serious to be honest, but that left me with a few pieces written to order that didn’t fit anywhere.

I didn’t quite know what to do with this, so here it is.  I hope you enjoy it:

"Some bastard's taken a big bite out of me giant Smartie,'

Horoscopes for Losers

By Russell’s Pants

Each issue our amazing Astrological underpants reveal the secrets of your soul and the keys to your destiny…

You’ve all got Aries in Uranus.  I’m not even going to pretend I like the sound of this. If you’re pinning all your hopes & dreams on being on X-factor but you’re not interesting enough to get to the second round, this will probably be the most exciting time of your life.  For everybody else however, it’s going to be a right pain in the arse.

Capricorn:

You are: Cynical & logical.  When this year’s epic domestic dramas hit, you’ll be puzzled & stumped by the apparent chicken-headlessness of your loved ones.   Just roll your eyes and turn the TV up.

Uranus heralds major changes in your family & domestic life.  You’ll probably row a lot if you’re married, and if you’re shagging around try not to dump on your own doorstep.

You’ll attract a lot of caring, sharing, touchy-feely types this year.  Which will get on your nerves no end.  What you really want is a friend with a fair to middling appreciation of wine and outlook frostier than a Vogue blogger in Primark.  Not someone who pats your arm gently & nods when wish for your boss to be captured by an obscure faction of the Taliban.

Friendship is a bumpy road for Capricorns.  Look around at everyone you like hanging out with now.  This time next year most of them would step over you in the street after a violent mugging.  You might as well squeeze everything you can out of them now.  It’s definitely not your round Capricorn.

You might find yourself engaged in power struggles at work.  This is where being a cynical, manipulative old goat comes into its own.  Finally Capricorn, something you’re good at.

Not surprisingly you’re going to be feeling like crap in April.  And August.  And probably November as well.  It’s going to be a long year.

Aquarius

You are: A bit of an oddball.  Kind of flaky, in a well-meaning sort of way.  And a bit of a tart.

Don’t confuse knickers with ankle-warmers this year.  Liable to fly off at a moment’s notice,  Aquarian underpants are easily confused with a Camden teenager’s ironic eighties yo-yo.

You’ll be beating them off with a mucky stick according to the planets, so try to have a modicum of self-respect, or at least the illusion thereof.  This means not drunkenly snogging attractive strangers under the table at the many weddings the planets tell me you’ll be invited to this summer.  We can all see you Aquarius.  We’re just not as drunk as you.

Communication is a biggie this year.  As you’ve got a gob like the Mersey Tunnel, opinion is sometimes divided on whether you’re refreshingly honest, or just a bit of a git.  You’re most likely to get a glass of water thrown in your face in September.

The planets influence on your health is somewhat fickle this year.  Maybe you’ll be a bit ill, but you might not be.  But then again complicated planetary influences might conspire to make you ill.  So if you feel ill the planets urge you to rest a bit and take an aspirin, and if that doesn’t work, go to the doctors.  The planets are not responsible for any illness you might or might not have this year.  Oh shit, actually they are.  But you’re responsible for dealing with them in a responsible way.  Free will and all that.  You have been warned.

Pisces

You are: Even weirder than Aquarians.  You freak out about things that wouldn’t bother most people.  You probably take it as a personal violation if someone moves your gym-bag from one end of the bench to the other when you’re in the shower, while you’re using the posh Aveda stuff that someone left in there by accident.

This year is all about money.  Which, unless you’re Donald Trump probably means you’re skint.  Again.  And whose fault is that?

The position that you have been describing as ‘temporary’ and ‘just for now’ is to everybody else in the world but you, laughably permanent.  You might get to where you want to be one day, but it’s not going to be this year.  So why don’t you take it seriously for a change instead of seeing your co-workers as drones.  They’re just like you, only a tad more responsible.

Apparently the planets are going to cut you a break towards the end of the year.  Maybe even a new job that doesn’t piss you off as much as this one does.  Although it probably will eventually.  You’re going to have to do some networking though, and that means answering texts promptly and not flaking out of invitations because you’re tired and X-factor is on.  God I hate Pisceans.

Aries

You are: Energetic, annoying & loud.  Especially after a few drinks.  You’ll get the opportunity to shine and gob off about things this year.  For some reason people who write for magazines assume everybody in the world works in a glamorous office in Marble Arch like they do.  So this gobbiness is interpreted as a sign that you’re going to be in a lot of high-powered business meetings.  Two words: As if.  Two more words: Jerry Springer.

Unlike most of the other signs, the rams are unusually jammy this year.  As if you weren’t annoying and bolshy enough, you’re also going to be dead lucky.  And no doubt you’ll tell us all about how hot-damned fortunate you are to have a great relationship, nice boss, an ISA and how you’ve kept your new-year gym resolution.

It’s usually the Leos that swan around wearing a grin that would make the Cheshire Cat stick its middle claw up behind their back, and saying things like “Wow, that went well,” but it’s your turn this year.  It won’t last forever though, so try not to be too smug about it.

Taurus

You are:  Annoyingly stubborn.  Your family & friends just don’t bother bringing up certain topics any more.  If you’re feeling out of the loop this year, try taking up meditation.  Then you can shoot their plans down in flames from a fresh perspective.

Uranus is like a huge space-hopper.  Not wobbly and orange (unless you’re Kerry Katona pre-detox) but unpredictable and erratic.  Your life may bounce off in unexpected directions this year, but hang on to the weird deely-bopper things and you’ll probably enjoy the ride.  Actually no, you’ll probably fall off and moan about it being a Taurus and all.  But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This would be stressful and traumatic even for normal people.  But for Taureans it’s going to really suck.  All your secrets are going to come out into the open, and all the intimate things that you share freely with your nearest & dearest are suddenly going to become uncomfortable.  How’s that for a pain in the ass?

You’re always quick to offer a sympathetic ear.  But this year Taureans are unusually unsympathetic to sobbing friends who turn up on their doorstep.  May is a good time to update your answer-phone message to something that makes you sound really harassed and busy, and just switch the damned thing off.

It isn’t a total crap-salad-sandwich though, because apparently your work prospects are excellent.  Oh great, I bet that’s really cheered you up.

 Gemini

You are:  A silver tongued devil with a beady eye for details.  But that’s about as helpful as an armband in a Tsunami this year, so try keeping your head down and not getting involved.

You’re a social butterfly.  Or a social climber, depending on what conversation you’re eavesdropping.

The planets tell me that Autumn is eventful.  Which means some events will happen in the Autumn.  But you might not realize their importance straight away.  Which is why it’s so helpful to read Astrology columns.  Forewarned is forearmed.

Speaking of arms, your network of friends is set to skyrocket.  Your Facebook addiction is likely to reach unprecedented levels, leading to long-term injuries of the arm and thumb in mid-July.  You’ll be stalking new acquaintance’s pages like mad in May, so try not to be too drunk when you do this or you’ll wake up with that strange, uneasy feeling that you said something to somebody on the internet that you can’t quite remember, but your internal Jesus has its arms crossed and is tapping its foot at you…

Careless flings can cause problems.  That’s not the planets, that’s just general advice.  Not that it ever stopped anybody.  But the heavens warn that tangled liaisons might cause complications with anyone called Dave, Sue or Jack the Ripper.

Cancer

You are: Despite your somewhat worrying name, you’re a sensitive soul.  Moody, fickle and a bit weird, Cancerians this year are wildly attractive to the opposite sex.  Lucky them.

Uranus positions itself in your career zone apparently.  Ouch.  You crabs with your soft underbelly – people are always taking advantage of your good nature at work.  But this year they will feel the full force of your nipper things.  Right in the Uranus.

Your diligence at work will go completely unnoticed.  Your sensitive, caring nature will be utterly taken advantage of, and everyone and his Auntie will be queuing up for a pat on the head for work you’ve slaved over, or was your idea in the first place.  Expecting credit for extra work this year is like expecting the dog to do the washing up.

You’re a magnet for powerful, influential people this year.  As this is a glossy magazine whose writers assume everyone in the world works in an office like they do, it’s probably people who want extra filing done on Friday evening.  Make up a convincing lie and get drunk instead.  It’s not like it’s going to make any difference to your career (see above).

Leo

You are:  Ahh Leo.  The jewel in the crown of the heavens.  The sun that warms parties and factory floors alike.  That’s what you expect to hear when you read an astrology column isn’t it.  You’re so vain, I bet you think this horoscope is about you.

August is good for shagging apparently.  June is when you’re most jammy, so try gambling or have an affair.  It all gets a bit intense in September (hardly surprising you dirty bugger) and the planets advise that you go on holiday around this time.  Basically pretend you’re a premier-league footballer this year and everything will be dandy.

For some inexplicable reason the planets are telling you to have lots of hot, kinky sex, possibly with strangers this year.  Back in the days when Astrology charts were drawn by hand by candle-light, they neglected to mention a credit-card max-out at Ann Summers and consistently ‘liking’ the pages of wildly unsuitable posers on Facebook.  But I’m a funky, modern astrologer and I am in tune with the subtle, mysterious forces that guide our lives.

Virgo

You are:  Probably criticizing my grammar right now.  While arranging your sock draw and filing your tax returns for 2012.  We hate and envy you Virgo, but we’d fall apart without you.

Well, this year is all about letting go of the controls and letting the Gods fly the ‘plane.  Let’s not beat about the burning bush, you know you’d do a much better job than God and this irritates the hell out of you.

There’s a lot of ‘letting go’ in your chart this year.  Letting go of stale relationships, old anger that’s still knawing at you, probably a good thing.  If you’re a mountain climber or part of a sea rescue team, probably not so good.

The Cosmos says to give things a whirl and see where that takes you.  Especially in romance.  So snog that warty minger, accept that date from the guy who tried to sell you dodgy charity donations at your door.  Don’t be so uptight, it’ll be fun.  The rest of the Zodiac is having a massive party, and you’re not invited because you’re so freaking uptight.  You pathetic Virgoan, you make us puke.

Libra

You are:  Let’s face it, a massive tart.  You charm the pants of everyone you meet.  Usually literally.  Well, there’s a lot of action in your chart this year.  The planets advise you to get one of those cushions with a hole in the middle, and possibly an ice-bucket.  And no, that’s not for the fictional Champagne that we’re all assumed to have lurking in the fridge.  I tried that saving it for a special occasion malarky once and woke up in a grit-bin.  You’ll be walking like Tina Turner by the end of the year.

Uranus is passionate this year.  Just for something new.  And it’s entering your partnership zone.  Stop sniggering!

But erm, if you’re happily married and have no intentions of swaggering around like a dog with two dicks or even worse, Tiger Woods at a stag do then it just means you’ll go on holiday with your partner and stuff.  Phew, imagine if Tiger Woods had two dicks.  He’d have shagged everyone in the world by now.  I bet he’s a Libran.

You’ll meet some exciting new people in the Spring.  And probably shag them knowing you.  God you make me sick.

You may experience some new health complaints this year.  Nothing serious (unless other factors in your chart negate this).  Don’t worry, it’s probably just a dose of the clap.  I hope it turns green and drops off.

 Scorpio

You are:  Seductive, sensual, sharp…and susceptible to flattering, arachnid-themed puns about your intellect & sexuality.  Get over yourself Scorpio.

If you were hoping for a peaceful year of getting your head down and getting on with things, tough shit.  Looks like your daily routine is going to be all over the place.  I’d stop drinking on work nights if I were you.

The universe is telling me to give you some vague, well meaning advice about stopping smoking & over eating.  You should meditate instead.  Isn’t it amazing how the movement of vast heavenly bodies making aspects and conjunctions with each other translates into general, new-age soundbites.  But it can’t do any harm like, and again I’m writing for a magazine so I’m just going to assume you live above an organic market in Shoreditch & let you work it out from there.

 Sagittarius

You are: A killer.  Cold blooded and ruthless, you’re the reason it’s unfashionable to hitch-hike.  Oh shit sorry, wrong chart.  You’re not that bad.  A bit grumpy, a bit lazy but basically your heart’s in the right place.  And you don’t really mean it when you call Danni Minogue Grotbags.  Anyone would look a bit shit next to Cheryl.

Apparently you’re really broody this year.  Fair enough, go and pop some babies out then.  Although as this is a magazine, I’m going to try and persuade you that you’re fighting some sort of internal battle between your career and your silly, girly hormones.  Your life will be over once you have kids you know.  You might even stop caring what dresses that vacuous toothpick Victoria Beckham has designed this week.  It’s probably best to stay at work and have your womb removed at the same time as you get your tits done.

You can always fill the nagging, empty space in your life where you envisioned a baby with lots of hot, meaningless sex.  You can even write to us about it and tell us how great it was if you like.  We’ll send you a handbag.